(07/15/05)
As many of you know, I was supposed to ship to Ft. Benning, GA, to undergo basic training and infantry school as part of the process towards getting into the U.S. Army Special Forces. Assuming that I passed every obstacle in my path, I would have had it in about 2 years. I was to report on Tuesday, July 12 in San Antonio at Ft. Sam Houston's Military Entrance Processing Station (MEPS) at around 5 AM.
Timeline of events beginning the night before:
Monday, 2100 Central Time - Arrive in San Antonio at the Radisson where I'm staying for the night.
21:07 - I am informed that some Marine Corps recruit decided to use the fire sprinkler in his room as a clothes hanger. 30 rooms are unavailable for the night as a result of the damage, and us military processing guys are going to have to stay at Hotel Marquis instead, after eating dinner at the Radisson. Totally inefficient.
21:16 - I sit down to enjoy my meal. I'm surrounded by 3 large tables of totally silent military wannabes. They look terrified. This makes me uneasy. I start to realize that joining the military in a combat specialty in a time of war is a pretty big deal.
21:17 - The "waiter" (in the loosest sense of the word) announces to me, "Chicken fingers ham." Everyone in the room chuckles. I ask him to repeat. "Chicken or ham?" I order the chicken fingers.
21:25 - My fried breading (chicken flavored) arrives. There is not enough tabasco in the world to make this meal appetizing. I start conversation with my neighbors. They suck as conversationalists, and probably suck as people. I finish my meal and leave.
21:33 - The same crappy people from the dining room are standing in the parking lot, waiting for the shuttle. There are about 25 of us. I do the math - 15 passenger van requires 2 trips to finish. I am informed that it has been coming every 20 minutes.
21:36 - The shuttle arrives. It is not a 15 passenger van. It is, in fact, a converted Plymouth Voyager. There is room for 5. wtf.
21:56 - I cut in front of all of the stupid 18 year olds to get in the shuttle. No one objects. I would think military people are more assertive than this.
21:58 - The shuttle departs. The driver turns on the radio. It is techno. Loud techno. wtf.
22:02 - We arrive at the other hotel. I wonder how the one way trip can take only 4 minutes, when the round trip takes 20. This serves to confirm my disgust for this techno-loving driver.
22:03 - I look around. Hotel Marquis should be renamed to something like Marcus's Discount Motel (hourly rates available). I check in, am assigned a roommate, and register for a 3:30a wake up call.
22:20 - I find that this Marquee Hotel provides no soap or shampoo. Luckily, I have my own.
23:10 - Sleep.
00:47 - I am woken up by a phone call. Some 18 year old Mexican girl is calling wrong numbers.
00:58 - I am woken by banging on the door. Some white girl is looking for her missing roommate. She has the door slammed in her face.
01:20 - Another wrong number dialed results in my cursing at the phone. My roommate gets up, pissed, and takes a shower.
01:22 - I am woken and asked for soap and shampoo.
04:06 - I receive another phone call. The front desk informs me that the bus is waiting for me. I am puzzled as to why they did not give me my requested wake up call. My roommate looks at the time and just strolls out the door. I spend 4 seconds brushing my teeth and dump everything into my bag and take off.
04:30 - Breakfast is uneventful. The same silent people look so fearful. Some cope with the anxiety by shaking. One hums loudly to himself, looking scared. The chubby Air Force girls blankly stare at the wall while devouring muffins at a prodigious rate. I relieve stress by silently mocking the fat girls.
05:04 - The guard at the base gate gets on the bus and checks the IDs for Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force recruits. The Coast Guard recruit, feeling left out, asks if he has to show ID. The guard responds by mocking the Coast Guard. The ID is never checked. Security always takes a back seat to humor.
05:08 - We pass a company of soldiers in PT formation. I double check my watch. I realize that my sleeping habits will have to change drastically.
05:15 - My bag gets stuck in the x-ray machine. Everyone hates me, and many remember my total disrespect for the line for the shuttle yesterday.
05:50 - There's a problem with my medical file. Apparently, the doctor made a mistake in approving me for airborne duty because my eyes suck. I'm sent to have an eye exam.
06:10 - I arrive in the waiting room for the optometrist.
08:30 - I am finally seen. I am subjected to uncomfortable tests involving my eyes. My eyes are dilated, and I am directed to wait for the drops to take effect.
08:50 - Two optometrists check out my eyes. The cute 20-something female optometrist, and the 30-something male optometrist who is looking for an excuse to be in the same room as her. I begin to understand why I was in the waiting room for over 2 hours.
09:30 - I am wandering around the parking lot with my eyes closed, looking for the shuttle stop. I keep trying to open my eyes to see where I'm going, but the brightness makes this impossible. Junior enlisted personnel laugh at me.
10:40 - After nearly an hour of running around with paperwork collecting various signatures/etc., I am informed that I am not qualified for Special Forces. There is no waiver possible. I am told to wait in the lobby.
12:10 - I get permission to go eat lunch since it doesn't look like my issue will be resolved anytime soon.
12:20 - I'm back. Lunch was the world's driest sandwich and Ruffles.
15:00 - I'm told that I'm not going to ship today.
16:30 - Some random sergeant offers me a ride back to Austin.
17:05 - The sergeant receives a call. His colleague asks him to return to San Antonio with size 14 shoes, because a recruit showed up at MEPS without shoes. Don't ask.
17:40 - While engrossed in conversation, the sergeant misses the exit. We are stuck in rush hour traffic. We're not going to make it before 6.
17:50 - We make it, because the sergeant decides against actually buying shoes, and takes off his combat boots and gives them to the recruit. The sergeant takes the kid's flip flops as collateral. He looks totally ridiculous in woodland BDU's, black socks, and tan flip flops over them.
19:00 - I get back to Austin.
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Epilogue: My waiver request came back approved, and I am now allowed to join the Army. I was offered a 98X enlistment option, and I'm going to consider it for a couple days before I make a decision whether to take it or not. More info:
I invite your comments concerning whether you think I should take this job or not - 5 year commitment, $13k signing bonus, $70k for law school afterwards, and the full benefits that servicement get.
