(06/17/04)
What's Malaysia like? How kind of you to ask!
- Women
- I can't tell how old anyone here is. My cousin's 14 year old friend looks 18 to me. Hell, my 15 year old cousin looks 20 to me. Meanwhile, my 30 year old coworkers look to be about 18 also. This makes approaching women difficult. Other things that makes approaching women difficult include a language barrier and a general lack of decent looking women in this country. Even the white women here are nasty, since most of them are old Brits with crooked brown teeth and lobster-red sunburns. The Chinese girls here are nasty too because they're freaking Hakka. And I was making fun of dirty Cantonese mainlanders last week. However, girls here are apparently fascinated with American guys. It's like I can take my pick from a plethora of girls who are not guaranteed to have been born female. But to rip off Groucho Marx, I wouldn't want anything to do with any woman who's actually impressed by me.
- Food
- It is fairly easy to get a meal for less than US$1. In fact, it's very difficult to get a meal that costs more than US$3. Tipping is not part of standard restaurant behavior here. And the food is delicious. Seafood here is awesome. I mean, the smallest shrimp I've seen so far is 3 inches. And the prawns literally can grow to be over a foot long. As well as good Chinese BBQ on every corner.
- Hotels, Bars, and Restaurants
- People here have low IQ's. I can't get good service at any restaurant, but I tell myself that it's ok because they only make about $200 a month. Even at the resorts and 5 star hotels, many of the staff can't understand basic things, like opening a bottle of wine for someone who orders it. At the very least, you'd think that a resort that sells bottles of wine would have a CORKSCREW. We sat around for 30 minutes before they came out and told us to order something else. Also, when your server doesn't understand what you're asking for, he just nods his head and walks away instead of trying to understand. Idiots.
- Bathrooms
- When I came here, I was very relieved to discover that since I was last here, Malaysia has replaced most of its hole-in-the-ground toilets with the familiar raised toilets that I have grown accustomed to in the United States. I was not so relieved to find that the rolls of toilet paper I had grown accustomed to in the United States do not exist in most public bathrooms. Instead, they provide a hose in the side of the stall. Oh boy was I in for a surprise on the first day I had to crap at work. I was wondering to myself a) whether I could buy toilet paper somewhere b)if not, whether I could wipe myself with the 1 ringitt bills I had in my wallet c) and since I can't really make it anywhere to crap and I don't want to waste all my ringitts on wiping my ass, how the heck I was supposed to clean my asshole with a hose. I mean, I'm wearing slacks, a dress shirt, and a tie, and I don't want to take off my shoes to take off my pants to hose down my ass, and I definitely don't want to leave the pants on while I rinse specks of crap from my anus. Probably the worst thing about it was that the whole stall was wet from the previous user of the hose. I liberally sprayed down all parts of the stall before I began, and then I did the hover method of public crapping. I finally opted to leave the pants on so that they wouldn't have to rest in the puddles on the floor, and strategically sprayed water at my ass in such an angle so as to not get the rest of my body wet. It was the highest stakes gambling I've ever engaged in. At least I won. When I was done, I promptly went to look for a store that sold toilet paper or tissues, and bought myself a large pack and went back to the office and put it in my desk.
- Transportation
- Gasoline here is approximately US$1.30/gallon. CNN tells me that average gas prices in the U.S. right now are about $2/gallon. That probably means it's $1.80 or so in Austin and Houston. Driving happens on the left side of the road, so one of these days I'll be getting into a massive car accident. Average driving speed in this small town is about 40 km/hr = 25 mph. But I can get anywhere in this tiny city in less than 10 minutes. Even so, people here are scary drivers.
- Beaches
- As much as I love Galveston's 1" water visibility, I gotta say that sea turtles, corals, manta rays, and sharks beats floating garbage and dead jellyfish.
- Weather
- It feels a lot like Houston summers here. And most restaurants are not air conditioned. I drip sweat everywhere I go, especially when I'm wearing a dress shirt and tie on workdays. The only thing is that it rains hard about once a week. And it's the dry season now.
- Television
- Satellite TV here costs about $20 a month, and comes with about 50 channels. Unfortunately, there are about 6 commonly spoken languages, so there are only 8 English channels. The two sports channels appear to only cover billiards and Formula one, with the occasional soccer game. They played the NBA finals, but I was at work every day at that time. I'd hate to be here during football season. But last Sunday I nearly soiled my pants when I saw "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" on CNN. On CNN. Apparently they compile the best clips from the previous week and put it together as "The Daily Show: Global Edition." But CNN? I'm still shocked.
- Nature and animals
- I was taking a shower the other day and a spider decided to join me. It was slightly smaller than my opened hand, and it had thick, hairy legs. It's lucky it decided not to touch me because I would've whooped its ass while flailing and jumping like a pansy. It was easily the largest spider I've ever seen. Also, on the mountain they have these bugs that grow longer than a foot. But it's all good because I got to see orangutans and proboscis monkeys. And water monitors and barracuda and massive butterflies and stuff like that. Damn it's beautiful here.
My camera is broken and I can't get it fixed until I return to the United States. I will try to borrow someone's camera and take pictures of my office, the bathroom in the office building, and other general comedy. Also, I'm going to have to find out what night life is like here. Some of you may find this hard to believe, but I've had a grand total of 8 drinks since I came here 4 weeks ago. And 3 of those drinks were last night. Guinness here is locally brewed instead of imported, and it tastes sour. People here don't drink wine either, and the only vodka they have is Absolut. So I don't see myself drinking much here.
I'm going to have to come back and do business here. If I am to become ridiculously rich, I think it'll be through land development and real estate here. I'm going to highly recommend this country as a vacation spot and as a place to retire. All my coworkers tell me that the place I'm living in is for really rich people, but the rent my parents pay is $300 a month for a condo that is big enough for 5 of us to live here. Bring your dollars here and you will live like royalty. But don't expect to pick up good-looking disease-free girls.
